Do I Deserve Love?
Updated: May 18, 2021
Of course we know the answer to this question. Yes. Everyone deserves love. Unconditionally. So when the possibility of it presents itself, why do we hold ourselves back? Let's dive in.
This is a topic my best friend and I often ponder on. While we are fully aware of the fact that someday we want to settle down, get married, and have kids... getting there is so difficult. Being in and out of "talking stages", situationships, and relationships is taxing. Never mind any childhood trauma that affects our ability to be vulnerable. Just when you think you have found a person you really like, they switch up. Don't even get me started on failed relationships. It scars you, causing you to be guarded with your feelings and emotions. No one likes being hurt. And if you can, you avoid it.
But doesn't that bar you from finding a person? If I'm so guarded and refuse to be vulnerable about things, how can someone else begin to like me? Is it the wrong person or did I push them away? While I do believe that everyone has a person out there, I also believe in missed opportunities. I believe we can be our own biggest obstacles.
To be completely frank with you all, I have a lot of trouble with this. I was in what one would call a "quarantine relationship". We began talking at the beginning of a quarantine which evolved into a relationship a little later on. It was great, I liked him and he liked me. I felt like he was supportive of me and I did my best to do the same for him but somewhere along the way things fell a part. The details don't matter but I felt abandoned, neglected, forgotten about, and as if I didn't matter. I decided to end the relationship but I was still hurt because I was invested.
A few months later, I met a guy. And let me tell you... I was not looking for a relationship. The prior relationship had me rethinking everything about relationships. Did I even want marriage anymore? Did I want a family? Or was I better off by myself, depending only on me, loving myself. I would be an amazing auntie. But I met a guy and we had lot in common, he's kind, he's caring and all of these amazing things. Part of me felt like I didn't deserve to be happy with a man only a few months later. I was scared I may not be emotionally ready. I'm like "he can't like me for real", and "he's just fronting right now". My logic was that I was thinking all of the positive things in my last relationship, and things went downhill fast. What was keeping that from happening again?
It took a lot of conversations and reassurance to get where we are. And it's still not perfect, it takes patience as well. I also had to have many a conversation with myself because I don't want to hold myself back. I don't want to look back later on and have regrets and I want to be able to go after all of the things I want. Anything else I've wanted, I've made it happen. It should be the same for a healthy relationship. I deserve whatever it is I want, including love.